


Hallelujah

by NoraPenblood



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Alone On The Water-esque, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Mormor AOTW fic, Mormor Version, Remix?, Sad, Sobbing, This was born of a seven-hour long continual RP of tears and sobbing quietly into keyboards, so very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-04
Updated: 2012-10-09
Packaged: 2017-11-15 15:32:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/528795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoraPenblood/pseuds/NoraPenblood
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was a time when I moved in you, and the holy dark was moving too, and every breath we drew was “Hallelujah”.</p><p> </p><p>"You won't be alone, I promise."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Act I : Love is Not Some Victory March

**Author's Note:**

> This is a three-part angst-fest. Written with the help of my fabulous counterpart, Brittany. We stayed up for hours, ignored our parents yelling at us to go to bed, and shed countless tears to bring you this labor of love (sadness). She made it a million times better than it was previously, but if you see any errors, feel free to tell me. I recommend a box of tissues. 
> 
> <3

Sebastian? –JM

Yeah? –SM

It’s the headaches again. –JM

Did you take the pills? –SM

I took extra. They aren’t working anymore. –JM

Jim, you know taking extra won't do any good. Do you want me to come home? –SM

Please. –JM

Five minutes. –SM

Sebastian had just tucked his phone back into his pocket, biting back the fear that Jim could be getting worse,(Not this soon. Christ, not this soon) when he felt it vibrate against his leg. He pulled it back out and flipped it open quickly. “Jim?”  
“Seb-Sebastian?!” Jim sounded panicked, his voice shaky.  
“Jim? What’s wrong?” Sebastian couldn’t keep the fear out of his voice.  
“My eye!”  
“What?” A new knot curled itself inside Seb’s stomach. He knew what this could mean, but refused to believe it. (Too. Fucking. Soon.)  
“M-my left eye’s gone all weird… It’s like there’s a hole in m-my vision.” Sebastian was already starting his car, backing out of the parking lot, leaving his shopping on the sidewalk. Sebastian knew that under the veneer of a psycopath, Jim was still just a frightened little boy. A sick, frightened little boy.  
“Alright. It’s okay. Just calm down, Jim. I’m almost home.” He tried to keep the tremor out of his voice, but it was impossible. Don't let it register yet. He needs you to be strong for him. Be strong like you always are. He floored the gas, narrowly skirting anything that was in his way.  
“Hurry, Seb!” Jim’s voice was killing him, and he very nearly hit a stop sign in his rush to take the corner onto their street. He jumped out of the car, yanking the key out of the ignition and snapping his phone shut. He jogged up the steps and into the flat.  
“Jim? Where are you?” He called into the house, scanning the sittingroom and what he could see of the kitchen.  
Jim was staring into the bathroom mirror, eyes wide and terrified, uncharacteristically innocent in their absolute fear. “Sebby!” Sebastian clenched his eyes tightly shut at the pain in Jim's voice. He ran towards the bathroom, swinging the door open and taking in the sight of Jim breaking down in front of the mirror. He looked so fragile and small. (and sick) He rushed over and pulled Jim to his chest as tightly as he could. He wasn't sure if it was for Jim's benefit or his own. Jim curled tightly into Sebastian, burying his face in his chest as he began to sob. “Wh-what’s happening, Seb?...”

“Shh…” Sebastian soothed, petting Jim’s hair gently. “I…I don’t know, Jim. But you’re gonna be alright. You always are.”  
“But I can’t see.” The words were little more than a breath, his whole body trembling lightly.  
Sebastian pulled Jim back slowly, keeping his hands gently on his shoulders and being sure to keep his expression blank as he looked down at him. “You’re going to have to give me more than that, honey. Just one eye? Is it completely dark?”  
Jim nodded slowly, his chin quivering. “Y-yes… it just went black. I’m so sca- sca-“ He hiccupped and pulled his bottom lip between his teeth, “I’m so scared, ‘Bastian.”  
"I know. I know, baby." Sebastian said quietly. He picked Jim up with ease because of how frail he had become in the last few months and set him on the counter so he could get a better look. "Point to which eye it is."  
Jim raised one shaking hand to his left cheek, pressing his fingers against the pale skin there. His thumb wiped listlessly at the moisture. “This one.”  
Sebastian leaned in a little closer, holding Jim's head still in his hands. He wasn't a doctor by any means, but he could see the vast difference in dilation of the pupils. He swallowed thickly, leaning back. He had watched many of the army doctors when he had free time during his service and he had seen a man get discharged with the same symptoms. Pull yourself together, Moran. Deep down, he knew what it was. He forced a smile, although he was sure Jim would be able to see right through it. "You'll be fine." he mumbled, his voice cracking just slightly.  
Jim just stared at him, only one eye managing to focus properly, “No I won’t. Don’t lie to me for my own good; I can see the truth in your eyes.”  
Sebastian had pulled back a little, creating a gap between them that felt larger than it was. “We’ll just… book ya for the doctor tomorrow, alright?” He tried to sound strong, sure of himself, but he knew he was a terrible actor.  
Jim just sat there on the counter, staring blankly at the bathroom floor. He pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his chin on them, running a hand through his hair. "Sebastian, am I going to die?"  
"Stop it." Sebastian suddenly snapped, letting his back hit the wall. He needed a drink. A strong one. "Don't say that."  
Jim looked up at him, his gaze unsettlingly steady with mismatched pupils, before he slipped off the counter and started for the door. He had made it nearly out of the room before his knees gave out and he fell, barely able to get a grip in the doorjamb to keep from smashing face-first into the tile. Sebastian rushed forward, holding Jim back up. He wanted to let him fall. He wanted to walk right over him and out the door. After all these years and he was doing /this/ to him. Sebastian sank slowly to the floor, his grip still tight on Jim.  
Jim shuddered, not bothering to conceal the sob than ran through his frail body. "I'm so... weak...." He spits the word out like a poison before pulling away from Sebastian and attempting to right himself. He only succeeds in tripping again, grabbing at the doorway for support.  
"Jim.../please/." Sebastian's voice cracked again and he shoved his palms roughly into his eyes to force back the tears. "Just stop this now. Stop it."  
Jim looks at him and the pain and utter self-loathing is evident in his gaze. "I don't want to be like this... Weak. Useless. Fucking pitiful... Help me, Sebastian? Just... just fucking put me out of my misery." He allows his self to slide down the doorjamb, curling in on himself and wrapping his hands in his hair.  
Sebastian leans his head against the doorframe, pulling his hands from his eyes and sniffling slightly. "You can't ask me to do that. Please don't." He’s staring at Jim with a mixture of pity and utter hatred for the implications of that statement.  
Jim looks up at him, pupils uneven, face pale and slicked with tears and cold sweat. "I'm not asking. I'm pleading. Begging. This isn't... this isn't how I want anyone to remember me... I'm supposed to be powerful... I'm just... just... useless like this." He tugs on his hair, making it stick up in insane tufts.  
"We can go to the doctor, we can get a second opinion." His voice cracks on the last word and he finally let's out a choked sob, pushing his face back into his hands.  
Jim just shakes his head and crawls over to Sebastian, wrapping his arms around him. "No. I don't want more tests; I don't want more false hope. I don't want this to be drug out any longer. Just... Please." He kisses the top of his head gently, shutting his eyes.  
"I just...just give me more time, Jim." Sebastian sobbed, clinging to Jim as tightly as he could. "Please don't leave me. I don't want to be alone again."  
"Three days, 'Bastian... I can give you three days." He kissed the larger man's hair, "I won't leave your side." He hates himself, hates himself so much for what he’s doing to Sebastian, for what he’s asking.  
Sebastian shook his head, his chest heaving as he tried to remember to breathe through his tears. "No, no, no." he repeated over and over, shoving his face into Jim's chest. He could still smell the slightly sweet citrus scent of his cologne on his diluted skin.  
Jim just wraps himself tighter around Sebastian and cries into his hair, his breath coming in ragged gasps. "I'm so, so sorry.... I love you so much..." Sebastian clenched his eyes tightly shut at the words. He felt completely undone as the only thing he had actually cares for in his life had already begun to fade away.

"You saved me." Sebastian whispered, hardly audible above his sobs. "You saved me and I couldn't even do my fucking job and protect you."  
"No. You did, Seb. You did so, so much. You protected me from all that you could, and in the end you'll still be saving me. Saving me from myself, 'Bastian. Saving me from becoming weak. Awful." He inhaled shakily, gently lifting Sebastian's face to his own. He pressed their lips together gently, so gently, unlike any of the times they'd kissed before. He took his time, drawing out the moment. He wanted it to last forever, just the two of them, alive and well, together. He never wanted to leave Sebastian’s side, not for the rest of eternity.  
Sebastian felt drained as he kissed back slowly. He tried to hold on for as long as he could, blocking out the rest of the world from his mind. Nothing else mattered. Nothing else had since the day he met Jim. He pulled away slowly, looking up at him. "I'm not saving you. I'm doing something awful and I'll never forgive myself." Sebastian cried, gripping tightly into the fabric of Jim's clothing as if he was physically slipping away.  
Jim just shook his head softly, kissing Sebastian's forehead. "You are... You're saving me from becoming incontinent, from losing the ability to function properly. You're saving me from going through the hell of my brain, the one thing I've had to trust my whole life, deteriorating and not being able to stop it. You are doing something for me that means more than anything else. You are my angel, Sebastian."  
Sebastian lost it at that point, crumpling in on himself. Not only was he forced to watch the one human he cared for with the most amount of affection possible die slowly, but he was the one who had to do the final job. He had to play God and it just wasn't fair. "You can't go. Please just try. Please..."  
Jim shook his head again, kissing Seb's hair, his forehead, his cheeks, anywhere he could reach. "No. I'm so sorry... I just... I can't. It'll only be downhill from here. Vision's the point of no return. Please, Sebastian... Do this for me. I..." his voice cracked again and he swallowed twice before continuing. "I don't want to do this alone."  
Sebastian forced himself to look up into Jim's eyes. It sickened him, seeing this powerful man so frail. Like karma was trying to give him a slap in the face. Nothing good will ever last for you. "I won't let you be alone...I would take care of you, Jim. I would take care of you until the end no matter what." his cheeks were stinging from his tears and his lungs felt heavy. He saw the pain in Jim's eyes and stroked his fingers gently over his cheek. "But I just want you to be happy. You deserve at least that."  
Jim nodded gratefully, "Th-thank you, 'Bastian... I don't know where I'd be without you." He shut his eyes and leaned into Sebastian's chest, inhaling the thick scent of gunpowder and cigarettes that always clung to him. At that moment Jim just wanted to drown in that smell, in the warmth, in the feel of his breathing, in just how utterly strong Sebastian was. Strong little soldier, always there, never failing.  
Sebastian rubbed Jim's back slowly as he tried to even out his breathing. He could feel almost every bone poking out a little bit further than before. He forced back the sobs. You've had enough, be strong now. "Three days." he said quietly, letting his other hand stroke Jim's hair.  
Jim breathed in shakily, hating the rattle in his chest. "Three days.... Can we go to bed, Sebastian?... I'm so tired..." He made no move to get up, just clinging to Sebastian like a scared child.  
"Yeah...yeah, of course." Sebastian said quietly. His brain was still trying to catch up and his limbs felt too heavy to even think about moving. He thought of all the things Jim had ever asked him to do, the least he could do was take him to bed. Sebastian held onto Jim as he slowly pulled himself up. He held onto the other man like a child as he steadied himself before heading towards the bedroom. He laid Jim down gently on the end of the bed before yanking back the covers and guiding him in.  
Jim pulled the blanket up to his chin and stared up at Sebastian, watching him with wide, fearful eyes. "Stay with me, Sebby." His voice was low and laced with something that hurt Sebastian to hear. He’d never seen this man, this strong, beautiful man, so utterly vulnerable.  
Sebastian hesitated. In truth, he was horrified to watch Jim sleep. He didn't want to watch Jim close his eyes, knowing that in three days they wouldn't open again. But he had promised Jim he wouldn't be alone. After a moment Sebastian nodded and climbed into the bed next to Jim, pulling the covers up as he settled into the mattress. Jim scooted closer to him, nuzzling into Sebastian’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry…” He murmured, shutting his eyes.  
"Don't be. This is far from your fault." Sebastian whispered, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him closer. He turned his head to look at Jim, afraid of what would happen if he looked away.  
"It's my fault for making you do this for me, though." He muttered, pressing the ghost of a kiss to Sebastian's collarbone.  
"Shhh." Sebastian whispered, forcing back his tears from pouring back out. "Don't think about it. I want you to think about what you want me to do for you during the next few days. And I want you to sleep so you'll have your strength." /Why? What's the point?/. He chewed the inside of his lip.  
Jim nodded slightly and whispered, "I just want you to stay with me." Before curling closer to him and drifting off.  
Sebastian watched Jim drift off. "I will. Always." he whispered back even though he knew Jim wouldn't hear him. He reached up a hand to stroke Jim's cheek lightly, only detectable to himself so he wouldn't disturb Jim. He knew he wouldn’t sleep that night, so he watched the steady rise and fall of Jim's chest, forgetting to breathe himself every so often.


	2. Act II : A Cold and A Broken Hallelujah

Jim shot out of bed the next morning just after sunrise, covering his mouth with one hand as he bolted to the bathroom. He collapsed on the tile at the base of the toilet, gagging. His whole body shook, and he was coated with a thin sheen of sweat. Sebastian had just started to drift off when he was startled by Jim's sudden movement as he sprang from the bed. Sebastian tossed away the covers and hurried after him, feeling slightly light headed from the lack of sleep. He quietly sat on the tiles next to Jim, stroking his back and waiting patiently for him to finish. He wished he could give him something, but nothing in the flat would be strong enough.  
When Jim was done gagging he leaned back on his heels, pressing the heels of his hands to his eyes. He was shaking like a leaf, teeth clattering together. "S-Sebastian?..." His voice was watery and hoarse; broken.  
"I'm here." he whispered, leaning into kiss Jim gently on his temple. He reached over and flushed the toilet before pulling Jim gently to his chest in an attempt to get him to stop shaking slightly. Jim leaned into Sebastian, pressing his face against Sebastian's chest, finding comfort in how strong and warm he was. He felt like he was on fire and submerged in ice-water all at once.  
Sebastian rocked Jim slightly staring at the wall across from them. He tried to trick his mind into believing it was just another hangover Jim was having after their nights out drinking. It only made him more upset from how domestic the memory was. "Is there anything you want me to get you?" Sebastian asked quietly, continuing to rock them both of them from side to side.  
Jim swallowed, "I- I need a shower... I'm all fu-fuckin' sweaty." He stammered, still shaking violently.  
"Alright, I can do that." Sebastian said, more to himself than Jim. He slowly pulled the two of them up on reached out a hand to push down the lid of the toilet before setting Jim down onto it, not pulling away until he was sure Jim wouldn't fall over. He pulled back the shower curtain and turned the tap, testing the water with his hand until it was warm enough for him. Jim sat on the toilet lid, arms wrapped tightly around himself as he watched Sebastian get the shower running for him.  
Sebastian forced a smile over his shoulder at Jim, shaking his hand once he pulled it away from the water. He turned around and helped him up. He pulled Jim's shirt gently over his head and kissed him quickly on his forehead before tossing the shirt to the floor and moving to unbutton his trousers. Jim was pliable as Seb undressed him carefully, watching the way his steady hands moved and hating himself, his body, for betraying him and making him weak and utterly broken.

Sebastian could almost hear Jim's thought process as he watched him. He wanted to yell at him, tell him he was still as brilliant as always, tell him it was just a vessel, a vessel that got worn out much earlier than it was fair to. He pulled Jim's trousers down along with his pants and helped him step out of them. "Good?"  
Jim nodded and attempted a smile, managing a kind of half-hearted grimace. He wrapped an arm around Seb's shoulders as he helped him. "I love you, Tiger..." He hated his voice too; the watery tone it had taken on seemingly overnight.  
Sebastian froze momentarily. There were those words, again. They had never really found that much importance on telling each other they were loved. It was always just implied. Now Jim had said it twice and each time it felt more and more like a goodbye. "I know." Sebastian said quietly, not looking into Jim's eyes and he pulled back the curtain. "Are you going to be okay? I'll be right here; I just don't want you to fall over."  
"Yeah, I think so... Just, stay close..." He looked up and the unspoken fear was written in his expression. He took a step into the shower, letting the warm water flow over his shaky form.  
"I will." Sebastian replied. He was slightly nervous as he sat down stiffly on the edge of the toilet after he had pulled back the curtain. It only took a few seconds before he stood back up and started yanking off his own clothing. He climbed into the shower behind Jim, steadying him slightly with his hands rested lightly on top of his shoulders.  
Jim didn't move when Sebastian got in behind him, just shut his eyes, some of the concern ebbing away. "Thank you." He whispered again, tilting his face up into the stream of water, letting it run down his cheeks and obscure the tears that seemed to be becoming a permanent part of him.  
Sebastian simply nodded, even though he knew Jim wouldn't see. He reached down and picked up a bottle of shower gel, squeezing some into his hands and rubbing them together until the solution was warm enough. He rubbed his hands gently against Jim's back, trying to ease some of the tension.  
He relaxed under Sebastian's touch, keeping his face under the water, making himself pretend it was just another day. There was no tremor running through him, no unnatural weakness in his knees, no ache in the back of his head that would never, ever leave until the end. There was only him, and Sebastian, and the warm water washing the blood of another successful job away. He could almost believe it, and somehow that hurt more that anything else.   
Sebastian bit his lip, washing Jim's pale skin as well as he could. He rubbed some shampoo into Jim's hair, careful not to let it get into the man's eyes. It was soft under his touch, and he ran his fingers through it to try and brush out some of the knots. He felt completely drained, like no emotion could be left in him, though he knew it was far from the truth. The next few days would be the hardest he would ever have to face. He concentrated on Jim's back, trying to memorize every freckle and tiny scar as he tried to ignore his blurring vision.  
Jim held the bittersweet fantasy for as long as he could, pretending he couldn't feel the tears streaking down his cheeks alongside the water. When he felt Sebastian's hands in his hair, moving too gently to have been normal in any other circumstance, he let out a shaky sob. Sebastian bit his lip harder, trying to force himself to pretend he didn't notice Jim's tremor. Please don't, baby. I don't know how long I can watch you like this. He leaned forward and pressed a long kiss to Jim's back, right between his shoulder blades. He felt the tears run down his face and tried his best to silence them at least. He needed to be strong for Jim. Strong little soldier.  
Jim shuddered again as he felt Sebastian's lips press in between his shoulders. He bit his lip and tried to control himself, tried to be strong just one more time. He could feel water running down Seb's face, against the hot skin of his back, and knew it wasn't from the shower. That was when he broke again, curling forward and letting out an anguished noise. He pressed his hands against the wall of the shower, resting his forehead against the cold tile, letting it support him.  
Sebastian pulled his hands down from Jim's hair and wrapped his arms tightly around his fragile frame, tucking his head against the back of Jim's he clenched his eyes tightly shut, his breathing heavy. He had been through a lot in his life. His father's beatings, being shot as in a war, finding himself on the bad side of a tiger on a hunting job, being tortured for information by some of their biggest competition. But /nothing/ compared to seeing the strongest man he had ever known break down entirely within 20 minutes of dragging his worn body out of bed. "I've got you. It's okay." Sebastian whispered into Jim's damp hair. He knew it didn't mean anything, but he couldn't stop his rambling.  
Jim fell back into Sebastian's arms, sobbing raggedly into the open shower. "N-no it's not... It's not fu-fucking okay, S-Sebasti-Sebastian!" He shouted, sounding utterly shattered. He knew what this would do to Sebastian, but he was scared, so scared. Never in his life had he been this terrified, never before had he felt this utterly lost and out of control. He was the king, the captain, the genius. He didn't lose, he didn't break, he didn't fail. He was supposed to be the strong one, and here he was, broken, betrayed by the fragility of his own health.  
Sebastian clutched at Jim's skin, trying with every amount of effort in his body not to let his knees buckle. He wanted to curl up under the running water and shove his face into the cold porcelain until the water stopped running. Would it, eventually, if he stayed there long enough? He didn't mind waiting all the much. "No, no it's not, is it?" Sebastian mumbled, his throat filled with a lump so large he was sure it would cut off his breathing. He held Jim up, watching the man fall apart. He thought about how in three days he would be simply dropping him instead. "It never fucking is."  
Jim whimpered something unintelligible into Sebastian's shoulder, turning so he could wrap himself around the taller man. His back fell against the cold wall, but he didn't feel it. All he felt was the pain in his head and the emptiness in his chest, like something crucial was being torn away from him.  
Sebastian rested his head on top of Jim's for a few moments, his emotions being torn away from him again and being replaced by exhaustion. He reached forward and turned off the tap, pulling Jim back to him. "Come on, you'll get a cold." Sebastian whispered. Keep up the game; it's all just a game so you might as well pretend. He kissed Jim on the forehead before tugging open the shower curtain and lifting him up so he could carry him out. He was afraid to let Jim do something as simple as walk now, afraid that once he let go, Jim's body would just give up all together. Stop thinking you're the one that's keeping him alive when you're the one that's going to end it.  
Jim shut his eyes as Sebastian carried him out of the bathroom and back to the bedroom, trying to find some semblance of composure. He felt utterly lost in his own hell, the only thing keeping him tethered to earth were the strong arms supporting him.

Sebastian set him down on the bed. Tears were still streaming silently down his cheeks and he sniffled slightly as he reached down to ruffle Jim’s damp hair a bit. He grabbed a towel from their wardrobe and quickly ran it over his skin before wrapping it tightly around Jim. He hurried to get himself dressed before going to Jim's drawers. "Do you mind being in comfy clothes today?" he tried to ask as casually as possible, sniffling again. He reached up to wipe his face quickly.

Jim just nodded listlessly, shrinking in on himself as he sat there. He opened his mouth to speak, but the words wouldn't find their way out of his throat. He shut his mouth again, another sob escaping as panic began to settle over him. Sebastian hunched his shoulders as he heard Jim's sob. Focus. One thing at a time. He grabbed some sleep clothes and tossed them on the bed before sitting down next to Jim and pulling him back into him. "Jim..." he said quietly. It was almost a plea. He didn't know what to say anymore, nothing would ease the other man's pain. A selfish part of him broke a little more. Jim's pain was going to last him a few more days. The pain in Sebastian's cheat that was growing more by the minute would be there for a lifetime.

Jim looked up at him with wide eyes, terror filling him as he struggled to find his words again. He opened his mouth, but snapped it shut again. He stared into Sebastian's eyes, pleading silently. The sight broke Sebastian's heart even more. Why couldn't he just walk out? This was honest to God killing him. "Don't panic, just...just relax. It'll come back eventually." Sebastian rambled, having no fucking clue if he was being helpful or not. "What's my name, Jim? Can you try and say it for me?" he prompted.  
Jim shut his eyes, tears running out from under the thick lashes. "S-..." He stopped, swallowing. "Seb. Sebastian." He said, opening his eyes again, looking utterly defeated. "Oh god, Sebastian..." He collapsed for the third time, curling into Seb's chest, small frame shuddering with each crushing sob.  
Sebastian held onto him tightly, knowing he wasn't useful for much else. "I'm so sorry I can't fix this for you." Sebastian whispered shakily. "I am so, so sorry." Jim just shook his head and cried until he was exhausted, going limp in Sebastian's arms. He curled impossibly closer to him and drifted into a light doze.


	3. Act III : The Minor Fall, The Major Lift

That night Jim was curled up on the couch in Sebastian's lap, feeling almost alright for the first time in a very long time. They had the telly switched on but the volume was off and neither of them was watching it. "Seb?"  
"Yeah?" Sebastian asked, stroking Jim's hair. It would have felt almost normal if the flat wasn't so eerily silent. And of course, if there wasn’t the daunting task that lay ahead of him.  
"I just need you to know... I love you. I may not have always acted like it... But I did. I loved you like I've never loved anything in the world." He spoke evenly, but tried to put as much meaning behind the words as possible. To Sebastian they sounded like Jim was giving his own eulogy.  
His grip tightened in Jim's hair without his control. Sebastian swallowed thickly and went back to stroking Jim's hair, his hand slightly less stable. "I always knew." he said quietly. Stop saying that. Stop it. "And I hope you always knew how much...I felt the same." he grit his teeth slightly. Why can't you just fucking say it?  
Jim hums in response, taking Seb's other hand in his own, threading their fingers together. "I understand." He says, sounding more hurt than he’d intended to.  
Sebastian let out a small puff of air, anxiety clawing at his stomach. This could be his last chance. Jim was calm, everything was quiet. This could be it. "Jim...I ah...I never really...loved anyone. Ever. I pushed myself away from it. And I still remember the time I felt...it...for the first time. It was that job three months after you'd hired me and I was a nervous little sod still. And I wasn't there in time to stop you from getting stabbed. It wasn't bad, but I sobbed when I found you and you told me to pull it together." he smirked lightly at the memory. "And I knew that I had fallen deeply...in love with you. And every day since I've loved you a little more."  
Jim smiled genuinely, even though the expression felt horribly temporary, like the smile of a person reminiscing about their recently dead brother. Painful, full of such bittersweet memory. "I remember." He said, propping himself up slightly and kissing him softly.  
Sebastian kissed him. It was light, barely any movement, almost like they were just trying to breath in each other's air. Sebastian was so exhausted he thought foolishly to himself that maybe if he breathed in long enough, he would catch it too. They could both go together, curled up on the sofa. The perfect ending. He pulled back, his eyes slightly misty. "Jim, we haven't discussed how you want to do...it."  
Jim swallowed, "I... I was thinking... I know how good you are with guns, Seb..." He trailed off, not wanting to upset him any more than was strictly necessary. Not wanting to shatter the fragile moment.  
Sebastian leaned his head back against the sofa, closing his eyes tightly. Don't make me do that. Please, God, not that. "Where?" he mumbled so quietly, he hardly heard it leave his mouth.  
Jim swallowed again and took Sebastian's hand, pressing it to the underside of his chin. "Just... just act like we're not doing it.... I want to pretend it's just a game." He mutters, a lump growing his throat.  
No no no no no no. He pulled his hand away roughly. NO. "Not very good of you to consider the mess it will make." Sebastian mumbled, already getting choked up.  
Jim looked down, "I suppose not. It'd make a mess, regardless, Seb..." He can't think clearly, all he knows is that it has to be Sebastian, and it has to be by trigger. He's always been one for the dramatic, and this is just his encore. His grande’ finale’.  
Sebastian took a shaky breath he could feel the tears, any second now. "And what do you want me to do with..." he screwed up his face, reaching his hand up to tug at his hair slightly. "The...body." Just another job. Jim will be so proud of you for this one, Sebastian.  
Jim stops, taking Seb's hands in his own. He brings them to his lips, kissing them softly. "Just call the cleanup guys, honey. That's all you've got to do. The last thing you've got to do for me." He can feel the tears brimming in his eyes and hates himself for making Sebastian look so broken. Sebastian shook his head slightly. It was like trying to keep himself upright under the weight of a semi truck. You'll be staring at that blood stain for months. Will you ever touch the gun again? he froze slightly, his breath hitching. A gun had more than one bullet. No. But... He took a sharp breath, deep in thought. He felt a couple tears stream down but he didn't bother to wipe them away. Jim could nearly read the thoughts as they ran through his head, "Seb... No.... I am not worth that."  
You wouldn't even know." Sebastian said simply, staring down at the carpet. Which room would they do it in?  
"Seb... You could move on. There could be so much more for you, after me." Jim squeezed his hands tightly in his own.  
Sebastian let out a humorless laugh which turned into a sob. Was that honestly meant to be a joke? He had practically sold his life away to Jim the moment he met him. "You don't know how alone I was before I met you." Sebastian said through his tears. "I can't do that again. Not after all of this."  
Jim was left at a loss for words, holding onto Sebastian's hands like they were holding him to the planet. "How... how could I mean so much to you?..."  
"Don't you understand how useless I was?" Sebastian wished the flat would just burn down right there so they could get it over with. "I was nothing. And you turned into my everything." his voice broke on the last word and he shoved his face into the sofa cushion, feeling pathetic.  
Jim sat up, pulling Sebastian towards him, resting his forehead on his shoulder. "You were everything, Seb. You were just too blind to realize it... And if you- if you... decide to follow me into the dark. I can't stop you. I just... I want you to know how much you mean. How important you are.”  
Sebastian shook with sobs, pressing his face into Jim’s chest. Could he do it? Of course he could. Could he honestly go on without Jim? Days, weeks, months, years? Probably not. "It’s just not fair. Why couldn't it be me? You're the most brilliant man I've ever met. You were going to do so much. I was just the useless sniper you're leaving behind."

Jim shook his head violently. "No. Don't you /dare/ think you're useless. You are my everything, Sebastian Moran. Everything. I wouldn't leave you for the world if I had a choice. I'd sell my own soul just to stay with you." Sebastian clung to Jim like his life depended on it. In some ways, it probably did. The empire Jim had worked so hard to create, everything would just crash the minute Jim was gone. He could hold it up alone. It would be like trying to get a good grip on sand. Nothing would change if it was Sebastian who died. Everything would be gone with Jim. Jim was holding him and he hated himself, hated himself so so much for doing this to the only person he'd ever cared about. "Shh..." He rubbed Seb's back, just wishing this was all some awful dream he'd wake up from at any minute.  
Sebastian felt pathetic. He pulled back slightly, leaning up to give Jim a sloppy kiss. He didn't care about anything anymore. He just wanted to close his eyes and /feel/, hold his arms out blindly and try to find his way out. He felt almost drunk with how overwhelmed he was. He was half temped to just drag his gun out now and finish himself off, leaving a bullet for Jim to sort himself out because at this point he wasn't even sure if he could look Jim in the eye while holding a gun. Jim kissed him back hard, pouring every ounce of uncertainty and self-loathing into it. He kissed him like he had the very first time, all teeth and tongue and need. He wanted so badly to be that Jim, the Jim that was whole and genius and cruel. The Jim that didn't care. The Jim that fell for his sniper even though it went against all his carefully constructed rules, not the Jim that was sick, the Jim that needed his sniper to kill him because he was too scared to go out with a whimper instead of a bang.

~ *** ~  
The next few days were blessedly uneventful, although Seb found himself half-hoping he’d wake up, or walk back into the den, and Jim would be lying there, cold and dead already. He found himself wishing that he would go peacefully on his own and save Sebastian the horror of his next, and final, job. He hated himself then, for thinking that Jim should go alone and without him there as he’d promised. The whole world seemed to be imploding slowly and the next few days seemed to be alternately too long and too short. He couldn’t stand dreading it, waiting for it like waiting on death row, but he hated the fact that Jim’s life had a time limit, an expiration date, and that he was being made to end it.

Jim’s condition steadily worsened; he would blank out sometimes, for hours just stare at the wall slack-jawed and empty looking. Those were the times Sebastian couldn’t look at him, had to keep himself from running out the door of the flat and throwing himself into the Thames. Or maybe just crossing the living room and into his bedroom, taking his favorite revolver and shooting himself in the mouth. Leave Jim to deal with himself. Sometimes he’d forget how to talk; knowing exactly what he wanted to say but his foolish body couldn’t produce the sounds. He’s look at Sebastian with such terror, and such frustration in his eyes that it hurt. Sebastian would hold him, gently prompt him with simple things until the gears in his head ground back into motion and he could speak once more. Walking had become troublesome, his knees would give out often and without warning, but he was stubborn and refused to give up.  
Eventually the night for the deed came, and Jim seemed to almost be himself again. He was bouncing around the flat, doting on Sebastian like a mother. They both skirted around the subject, as if refusing to acknowledge how short a time they had left. Jim was in the kitchen, attempting to make coffee despite Seb’s protests. He wanted to do one more thing for his sniper. Sebastian had gone to the bathroom, and just as Jim went to set the coffee pot in the machine he fell again. Glass shattered, sending glittering shards across the floor. Jim landed flat on his face, unable to catch himself.  
Sebastian was buttoning up his trousers when he heard the smash. He sprinted into the kitchen. "Oh my God." he said quietly before rushing to pull Jim into his arms. "You stupid stupid man." he had already spent the whole day silently on edge; this was the last thing they both needed.  
Jim looked up at him, dazed, blood running down his face from his nose. "S-Sorry, Seb. Tripped I guess." He offered a smile that was unsettlingly cheery, blood running over his lips and staining his teeth. Sebastian bit his lip looking down at his face in his lap. He could feel the bits of glass prickling him under his jeans. Luckily he had laid Jim down where the path was clear. He sniffled slightly, looking at the blood.  
"You stupid sod." he mumbled, brushing his hand over Jim's features to get rid of the tiny pieces of glass, removing the small specks of blood. "I told you not to make coffee." he felt too dazed to be freaking out too much. He felt cold. He would see this blood again soon. A lot more of it.  
"Sorry, I just wanted to make you happy for a little while..." Jim frowned, coming back to his senses.  
Sebastian shook his head. "Stop it." he lifted Jim up a little higher and placed a kiss on his forehead. "You scared me." he wiped the back of his hand across Jim's skin to smear the rest of the blood away. "Are you okay? Do you think you hurt anything too badly?"  
"Just my nose, Seb. Gotta stop worrying so much, it won't matter in a few hours." He smiles and it's so much sadder, seems to express all the fear, and loathing, and tragedy of the situation better than any amount of tears could have ever done.  
Sebastian feels all the anger at their situation bubbling up into that moment. He hates Jim for saying that. He fucking hates him. He hates the kitchen for being too small, he hates the fact they use a coffee pot instead of a kettle, he fucking hates himself for not being there. He puts Jim back down in his lap and presses his hands so hard into his face that it hurts. He lets out a frustrated growl. He's just so tired.  
"I wish you'd just hit me and be done with it..." Jim whispers, impossibly angry for no reason other than it's all he has left. It's the only emotion he hasn't wrung dry and raw yet. Sebastian almost does. He clenches his fists against his face and grits his teeth but he stops and just sags forward. He can't do this. He can't do this and Jim isn't even dead yet.  
Jim reaches up and grabs Sebastian's hair, yanks his head down, desperate to feel something. "Hit me, you fucking idiot. I can tell you want to. I don't even blame you. I'd be angry too." He growls, almost begging Sebastian to hit him, to hurt him. Make him feel something different.  
"Stop." Sebastian warns slowly, ignoring Jim's hand in his hair. For how exhausted he feels, his voice still has that underlying tone to it that he would always give Jim when he was pushing him too far.  
Jim just shakes his head, hot, angry tears pooling in the corners of his eyes. "Not this time, Moran."  
Sebastian snaps at the mention of his last name. How dare he be so cold? Now of all times. He reaches down and yanks at Jim's collar, bring his face close to his. "I will not fucking hit you, because I'll be putting a fucking bullet in your skull soon enough. Can you see why I don't want to hit you, Jim? Do you understand, or do I have to give you a replay of my emotions these last few days?" he hissed, his voice dangerously low as he shook Jim slightly in his grasp.  
Jim pauses for a moment before surging up into Sebastian, smashing their mouths together; gaining what contact he can before he's no longer capable of gaining anything. "Told you to make me think it's a game, Seb. That's my last request. To live the lie till the end." He whispers against Sebastian's lips.  
Sebastian grabs hold of the back of Jim's head, keeping him in his place after he's pulled away. "I can't, Jim. I've played your games for years and I'm just so tired."  
"You can rest soon, Seb… So, soon... Just one more game. The finale. My last move before the check-mate." He kisses him again, gentler this time, but with no less longing.  
At that point, Sebastian hates life more than anything. How cruel to make them go through this. He wished that he wasn't such a good sniper and that he'd carelessly died on the job years ago. He wonders if Jim's head would be on someone's lap, or if he'd be alone, with a gun to his own head. "Always have to get the last laugh, hey?" Sebastian forced a smile that was the farthest thing from happy there was, but his lip quivers. He places his hand to Jim's cheek. "God, the shit you make me do."  
Jim looks up at him and his eyes are full of so much torment, "I am so so sorry. But this is the last thing you'll ever have to do for me." He's talking quietly, as if worried someone might overhear. No one will, of course. No one else in the world knows that the most dangerous men in the world are working out how to die. No one else cares. But no one else matters.  
Sebastian nods firmly. "Yeah. Yeah, okay." he whispers. God, why did they have to know? Why couldn't Sebastian have woken up to find Jim had passed in his sleep? Because Jim Moriarty was never meant to leave the world so quietly. It was starting to physically hurt to hold back his sobs. He wondered if he'd ever be able to cry again afterwards. Not that he'd last long after Jim in the first place.  
Jim sits up a little, scooting back so he's sitting beside Sebastian rather than on him. "Okay. So, we'll need to prepare, right? Every game needs a proper board." He tries to sound clinical, just business, but his voice trembles.  
Sebastian stares down at his hands, wringing them together so roughly that it's painful. "I suppose."  
Jim nods as if he's decided something. "Right. Help me up, darling?" Sebastian bites the inside of his cheek as he lifts himself up. His limbs feel like their filled with cement. He holds out a hand and pulls Jim up carefully, making sure he has the right footing. He doesn't let go once he's standing. Jim wraps his arms around Sebastian's waist and puts his lips to his ear. "I love you so much." He whispers, kissing the side of the taller man's throat before pulling him in the direction of the sitting room.  
"I love you too." Sebastian whispers, just under his breath. "More than anything." he let's Jim drag him along without protest.  
Jim sits on the couch and takes a deep breath. "Okay... Sebby, this is the hard part. Are you ready?"  
No. You're the bloody love of my life and you're about to tell me how you want me to kill you. I'll never be ready. "Yes." he forces out. He doesn't even put the effort in to make his voice go higher than a mumble.  
Jim tries to smile but it still looks wrong, terribly sad. "Okay... I'll let you... um… pick which one you want to use..." He mutters, eyes falling to his lap. He knows how hard this will be. Just a game. Just. one. More. Game.  
I'll use the first one I ever got, the one my uncle gave me when I was 13. Remember me telling you about that one, boss? I told you that story after my first job with you. You were so proud. Remember? Sebastian closes his eyes for a brief moment. He's starting to be unable to tell the difference from his thoughts and what's going on. It doesn't feel real. "Yes, sir." Sebastian whispers.  
Jim just folds his hands in his lap and waits. Waits for Sebastian to get his gun. Waits for this all to end.  
Sebastian hesitates slightly, glancing at Jim before getting up and going to his safe. He puts in the code carefully, taking his time. Just one last time. He pulls open the heavy metal and runs his fingers gently over all his guns before picking up the most worn out one. I can't do this. Dear fucking god I CAN'T DO THIS. He closes the safe and turns back to Jim, the gun shoved tightly against his chest like he's afraid of it for the first time in his life. Jim just watches him, patient. He's past being scared, now he just wants it all to end. He wants to be rid of the weakness, the constant trembling, the partial blindness, the feeling of his own brain deteriorating inside his skull. He wants his Sebastian to save him one more time.  
Sebastian stares at Jim for a few moments. It feels like a lifetime. He's trembling; his stomach feels like it's going to collapse in on itself any minute. "I need more time." Sebastian whispers, his voice laced with panic. His face crumpled slightly as everything is suddenly all too real. "Please, sir."  
Jim just nods and opens his arms, "Of course, Seb. Come here." Sebastian feels like everything in his life is crashing down in front of him. It practically is. His chest is heaving as he puts the gun down on the coffee table and pulls Jim to him as tightly as he can. He breathes in his scent as if it's the last time he'll ever smell. It probably is. Jim holds onto Sebastian as tight as his fragile body can, whispering how much he loves him, how it'll all be over soon, it'll all be alright. He knows he's crying and he knows it's not for his own sake because he's not scared of dying anymore, now he's scared of leaving Sebastian. He cries for his sniper, the man who had to be so strong for so long, the man who went through hell only to wind up making a deal with the devil himself. Only to fall for the devil himself.  
"You and your games, hey? You'll end up killing yourself one of these days." Sebastian mumbles as he smoothes down Jim's hair. He feels insane as he clutches onto the last bit of his life that will ever be okay. "I promised you I wouldn't leave you alone. I won't, you know. You're not going alone. I promise."  
Jim fights back a sob and kisses him like it's the last time. Because in all honesty, it is. "I am so sorry... Seb, I can't wait any longer. Can we- can we do it now?..." He doesn't move to let go of him though, staying firmly wrapped around him as if he might slip out of existence.  
Sebastian let's out a sob before nodding quickly. If the bullet he plans to send into his brain doesn't kill him, his lack of air will. He doesn't even fight for oxygen anymore as he reaches out to the table and grabs his gun. "It was always going to be you. I was always going to die by your hand if it wasn't from the job. Your little soldier." it felt wrong, shooting his own boss. His love. So wrong.  
"You were the best damn soldier in the world, Sebastian, and I couldn't have asked for more than that. I love you so fucking much. See you soon, Tiger." And he kisses him again and it really is the last time and the tears are back but he just shuts his eyes because he doesn't want to see that look on Sebastian's face.  
"See you soon, sir." Sebastian whispers. "I'll always love you. Always." he holds the gun under Jim's chin. Calm down and do your job, soldier. Your last assignment. Make him proud. He glances up and places one last kiss on Jim's lips as if to ask permission. His finger trembles over the trigger. Jim lets out a long breath, eyes falling shut. Sebastian grabs Jim's hand tightly. He swallows thickly. "You won't be alone, I promise." and with that, he pulls trigger.  
Sebastian suddenly feels cold as Jim hand goes limp in his. He does even hear the gunshot. He clutches Jim tightly before he can fall over, his eyes wide. Look at all that fucking blood. Sebastian let's out a howl of pain at the lifeless look on Jim's face. He hates himself. He hates himself so fucking much for this. There’s a physical pain in his chest that threatens to swallow him whole as he places a final kiss to Jim's lips. He feels a sob rack through him when he doesn't respond. "Almost done, baby, game's almost over." Sebastian whispers against Jim's cooling skin before holding the gun to his head and pulls the trigger one final time.  
Be proud of me, sir.

Fin.


End file.
